I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
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Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Me too, bag. Me too….
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.