<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
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The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
no their not
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat