@zapmyass: I've been eating healthy for six whole hours now. Why am I still fat?
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@ElgatoEsmio: At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
@audipenny: person texting me: hey I'm outside me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
@DainWins: [Driving w/date in car] Date [turns radio to country] Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn't working. [Hits eject button]