@zapmyass: I've been eating healthy for six whole hours now. Why am I still fat?
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@TheHyyyype: Apparently when your wife says "let's make a baby," she doesn't mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
@turtledumplin: When a cop pulls you over, pull out a map and ask them for directions until they forget that they pulled you over. -me, right now
@fabulouscop: [at doctor] can u cough for me please? *coughs* again please *coughs* i see i see. i'm afraid you have a cough
@UNTRESOR: "His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he's spaghetti, his Mom's spaghetti." - Eminem first draft