@zapmyass: I've been eating healthy for six whole hours now. Why am I still fat?
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@KayRants: Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I'm reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
@TribalSpaceCat: Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
@Aimiekins: You enter. "I've been expecting you," I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
@goolicker: There is a special place for people who leave long voicemails, but until the ground thaws, they stay in the freezer.