I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
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I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Finally!
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
I’m about to risk it all
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.