My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
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I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!