I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
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Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies