I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
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The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.