I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
You Might Also Like
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
This could’ve been an email.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!