@WilliamAder: I've been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
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@FrazzleMyGimp: [At drive through] GUY: would you like a drink holder? ME: ya sure [driving home] ME: so uh, what’s the pay like? GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
@withanewname: [breaking up with girlfriend via the jumbotron] "Hey, check out the scoreboard while I grab a hot dog."
@gringothespice: My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.