I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
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Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design