@WilliamAder: I've been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
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@TheBoydP: All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time...
@Jake_Vig: THEM: Hey-- ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this. THEM: I just watched you say "ring ring." ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
@kwirkyKerri: There are directions with pictures on this underarm deodorant. Yet another disaster avoided.
@G_Faylor: [Scientist discovering catfish] Scientist: What kind of fish are you? Fish, maintaining eye contact: *pushes entire shelf of beakers over*