@WilliamAder: I've been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
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@bourgeoisalien: I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
@AristotlesNZ: Wife: How's the baby? Me: He keeps trying to shove socks thru the mail slot. Wife: Aw. His socks or yours? Me: Socks is the neighbor's cat..
@LeagueofNope: I have never once hit a drink or treated one badly so don't tell me about alcohol abuse!