I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
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Europe. Made in Germany.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Being Tall:
Pros:
Can reach high things, feel like an Amazonian warrior.Cons:
“Wow, you’re tall!”
“Yes.”
*repeat for infinity*
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
getting old is fun
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?