My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
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Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
Breaking news:
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*