@JediGigi: I've been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
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@TheDairylandDon: I swallow at least one note per meal that says "we're all really proud of you," in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
@jwoodham: It's almost Christmas, which means it's almost time to hear my parents' new excuses for why Jennifer Lawrence isn't under the tree again.
@BlindVigil: Q: "How long were you at your last job?" A: "Seven-and-a-half inches... same as now"
@Westoff123: I'm going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint "Welcome to chicago" on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.