I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
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Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.