Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
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Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!