I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
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(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.