@briancthayer: I've been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
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@CulturedRuffian: When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
@TheMichaelRock: The best salesperson ever was the first woman to shave off her eyebrows and draw them back on, then convince a second woman to do it.
@justincousson: "I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!" I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
@Sassafrantz: If I'm ever reincarnated I hope I get to be a bear because I'll be like "stop playing dead, I used to be human. That shits not gonna work!"