@briancthayer: I've been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old's shirt is on backward* It's cute how you let her dress herself. Me: Yes. She did that.
@Andee_Stewart: The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he'd go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
@Home_Halfway: We all make fun of Kristen Stewart for her wide variety of facial expressions, but she'd probably kick all our asses in poker.
@Dutch_50: Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.