walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
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Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Word!
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
wtf management?!
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.