@mayamanion: I've been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I'm still fat, I'm calling bullshit.
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@XplodingUnicorn: My 1-year-old stabbed a stuffed animal with a broken plastic spoon. She learned to fight in prison.
@NurseMurderer: taking cats to the vet is hard because you can't lie and be like, "we are going to the park!" since they don't want to go there either.
@PlainTravis: I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
@fro_vo: Judge: has the jury reached a verdict Jury: yes your honor Judge: how do you find the defendant Jury: guilty Defendant: SEE YOU IN COURT