@mayamanion: I've been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I'm still fat, I'm calling bullshit.
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@WheelTod: If I was on death row I'd request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn't be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
@frankzulla: "How do you talk to an angel" Me: I don't know, Skype I guess? "How do you hold her close to where you are" Me: Aren't most angels men?
@DaddyJew: Interviewer: may we contact your previous employers? [cut to the giant grave in the desert where I buried them all] Me: lol you could try
@iinkedZombie: Wife: "Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!" Me: "Thanks! I've been working out!"