I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
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Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.