@crunchenhanced: I've been married for about 45 lbs.
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@Storminika: The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.
@envydatropic: You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That's me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
@bjfrancypants: "ALL I WANNA DO IS HAVE SEX WITH MINERS!" is the exact wrong way to proclaim your sexual proclivity toward those who excavate coal.
@bobbiejo448: 5yo: I can't wear those socks today. They say Wednesday. Me: If anyone notices, tell them you're here from the future to save the world.