@crunchenhanced: I've been married for about 45 lbs.
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@OutOfLeftField_: Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days? Me: I think that's a myth. Friend: No it's definitely a butterfly.
@RocketRankoon: My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
@KevinFarzad: Why would you name your human child Hunter? Hunter is a profession. That's like naming your kid Dentist.