I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
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As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king