I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
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Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.