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The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…