I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
You Might Also Like
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.