I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
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Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
I can also cook 😂
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??