I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
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Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
✌🏽
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.