@weinerdog4life: I've been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
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@ilovepie84: When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
@TheSadnesses: [first date] “So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.” [my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
@jwomackou: Wife: how'd you get that burn on your arm?? Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron