I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
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[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.