I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
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COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Room with a view.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.