I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
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Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
i meant to share this earlier
JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Bring back the McRib
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today