I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
You Might Also Like
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain