I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
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I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.