I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
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if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
A completely valid reaction tbh
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.