Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
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[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.