Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
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*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”