Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
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How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.