@iNusku: I've been taking my Flintstones' vitamins daily, but I still can't start a car with my feet.
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@Jake_Vig: THEM: Let's head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there. ME: What's the grass situation?
@missmayn: What happened to sneaking out and getting drunk in the woods? Teenagers these days be all “I hate you mom I’m joining ISIS.”
@squirrel74wkgn: Can you at least smile if you're gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc? (takes off rubber glove) "You can pull up your pants now."
@_troyjohnson: 5yo: "Dad we don't have a chimney. How will Santa get in?" Me: Probably through my credit card. 5: what? Me: what?