I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
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Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
m’lady
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on