@Jake_Vig: I've been told I look like a young Denzel Washington's white neighbor.
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@ch000ch: me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate professor: i meant questions about the midterm
@jwoodham: The only way I'm coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
@ericsshadow: I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
@Thynebear: Does the defense have any last words? "Yes I do your honor... THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA" [Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]