Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
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If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud