TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
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It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not