@aedison: I’ve been training my facial muscles to do the nose twitch from Bewitched, and just had a huge breakthrough with the right nostril. Big day.
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@matt___nelson: [getting escorted out of zoo] "I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie"
@tastefactory: [robbers outside bank] When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks "But can't u feel your pores really opening up?"
@rockymomax: SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
@thejessbess: Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I'm definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.