@aedison: I’ve been training my facial muscles to do the nose twitch from Bewitched, and just had a huge breakthrough with the right nostril. Big day.
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@SaraThomas84: It's all fun and games until you're sitting in the Planned Parenthood waiting room doing your Algebra homework
@Blarebare: Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They're your soulmate.
@david8hughes: [at the pet store] Me: I'd like a baby lizard please [later at home] Me: isn't he cute? Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor