Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
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My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then