I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
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From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
*sewing*
A thread
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
*performs CPR on the turkey*
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?