I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
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You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
never ask a starfish for directions
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.