Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
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The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.