I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
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Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Reporter: *ports again*
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
the noise i just made
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.