@mahatmatweeter: I've been trying to eat healthier so I ate a vegetarian.
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@garrettbarry70: My wife complains that my socks are too big for her but she doesn't care that her bra pinches my back.
@1Happytwit: I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
@chairmanMAO_92: This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said "I didn't know Pink used her last name as well" Now she's dead
@RecursiveTaco: Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting! Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT