@mahatmatweeter: I've been trying to eat healthier so I ate a vegetarian.
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@aveuaskew: If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
@MoistPork: My only fitness goal is to be able to lift an adult male, approximately the size of my husband, into the trunk of my car without help.
@Carbosly: This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas. His name was John.
@cookiesnweed: Get your shit together, people at McDonald's drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn't been the same for the last 50 years