I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
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*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”
Suspect #1:
Suspect #2:
Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.