@Tmoney68: I've been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@david8hughes: [fancy restaurant] Me: do you have orange cat food? Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
@stephenjmolloy: Wife: "Do you want to watch Batman Forever?" Me: "I'll watch it for a couple of hours." Wife: "I hate you."
@SortaBad: [debate, 2020 election] Moderator: President Trump said you will 'hurt badly the growth' - how do you respond? Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could...take a look under their seats Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit