I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
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Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.