I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
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Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce