My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
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When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.