You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
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[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
seems fine
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
He took my last fry, your honor
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”